I have been having quite a hard time of things lately. I have for the last I would say four and a half months been in a deep depression. I have been working to pull out of it and trying to not spiral further down. It has been hard but I am finally feeling like myself.
I am now seeing the effects of my not caring and not leaving my bedroom unless I had to. I am working on turning it around and getting my house back in order. I had a house guest for the last four months as well and I have found out that I can not handle anything like that. I am totally fine with the kids having friends over that does not bother me at all. But having this person at my house daily caused me a lot of mental issues. I did not know how to express it and felt like a horrible person for the feelings and thoughts I had.
Normally when I am feeling down and out I would tend to my reborn babies they calm me. I would color and I would play video games. I did not really do anything but play video games because I did not have to leave my room to do so. I have seen the aftermath. I am feeling a lot better. I am feeling like myself. I am cleaning daily and not spending all day in my room. I am spending more time with my furkids and my children. I hope that I do not drop down that rabbit hole again.
The thing of it is the anniversary of my brother's death is tomorrow. Normally I am a mess. I try every year to not let it overwhelm me. This year I am really going to try harder. I want to remember him and celebrate him but not fall apart. I know that it is hard and no matter the time that has passed I still feel the pain as if it happened yesterday. I will miss him until the end of my life. I hope to see him again in the Summerland. I know that he is somewhere out there sending his love and watching over all of us. I am thankful the kids remember him and that I had him in my life though it was entirely too short for me.
But once again I am working on turning a page in my book of life. I hope to make things positive from here on out. Summer break is next week and I look forward to time with my kiddos.
