A little insight

I have been having quite a hard time of things lately. I have for the last I would say four and a half months been in a deep depression. I have been working to pull out of it and trying to not spiral further down. It has been hard but I am finally feeling like myself. 

I am now seeing the effects of my not caring and not leaving my bedroom unless I had to. I am working on turning it around and getting my house back in order. I had a house guest for the last four months as well and I have found out that I can not handle anything like that. I am totally fine with the kids having friends over that does not bother me at all. But having this person at my house daily caused me a lot of mental issues. I did not know how to express it and felt like a horrible person for the feelings and thoughts I had. 

Normally when I am feeling down and out I would tend to my reborn babies they calm me. I would color and I would play video games. I did not really do anything but play video games because I did not have to leave my room to do so. I have seen the aftermath. I am feeling a lot better. I am feeling like myself. I am cleaning daily and not spending all day in my room. I am spending more time with my furkids and my children. I hope that I do not drop down that rabbit hole again. 

The thing of it is the anniversary of my brother's death is tomorrow. Normally I am a mess. I try every year to not let it overwhelm me. This year I am really going to try harder. I want to remember him and celebrate him but not fall apart. I know that it is hard and no matter the time that has passed I still feel the pain as if it happened yesterday. I will miss him until the end of my life. I hope to see him again in the Summerland. I know that he is somewhere out there sending his love and watching over all of us. I am thankful the kids remember him and that I had him in my life though it was entirely too short for me.

But once again I am working on turning a page in my book of life. I hope to make things positive from here on out. Summer break is next week and I look forward to time with my kiddos. 

An update

It has been a while since I have written. I have had a house guest for the last four months. It has not been an easy time for me. I have been closed off from pretty much everything. I am working on getting back to myself and what I love. It is almost summer. I am looking forward to the kids being home and spending time with them. I am hoping that this summer will be a great one. I will post more when I have more time. 

Holiday blues

It has been quite a time. I have really regressed with coming out of the fog of my depression. I have had a rough time. We recently lost one of our furkids and it was very hard on me. I have been with him since the day he was born and it was really hard. It broke the kid's hearts. I do not care for the holidays as much as I used to. I have had a hard time with not being with my parents this year. I know it is for the best. That still does not make it any easier. I do not want to subject my middle to the ugly that would be put out towards her for her coming out. As her mom, it is my job to protect her from that kind of thing even if it is family. 

Beyond that, I have just been going through the motions every day. I lost a huge part of my social circle yesterday. I have two friends here that i see in person but the rest are online. I rubbed one of them the wrong way unintentionally and she completely removed me from a community that I worked hard to contribute to and to be a part of as a friend. I trusted her and thought of her as a close friend. But she has proven to not be any of that. It saddens me that people can not even have a conversation with an adult there are only butthurt temper tantrums. So now I am working to create my own community of trusted people. I do not understand why when someone knows that you are going through a very difficult rough patch that you warned them about they think it is ok to just shit on you. No matter what if you are a true friend when you know someone is spiraling downhill you should be there even if it is to say hello and nothing else. I have withdrawn from many conversations and made it clear I was having a hard time. I feel like a facebook group is not the be all to end all in my life. I have three kiddos and a household to run. Facebook is second to my life. I can not forgo my responsibilities to be on there posting and all that. This woman spends her time trying to force those who helped to keep her group interesting to post what she wanted when she wanted and made it like a job that you are obligated to post when she says. When I joined the admin team I was all about it and it gave me something to do to pass the time during the day around my chores and such. I had a lot of ideas for activities and events. But I did not want to be obligated to do these things on my own they were just suggestions. I had suggested a Yule card exchange but was unable to send mine out due to two vet visits and all that and explained so. Well, as a result, she was very angry with me and said that I failed to keep up my end of the deal. 

This has turned into a rant and I did not want that. I am going to end here and go smudge myself and let go of this. 

Well then

So I apparently decided to skip blogging the entire month of November. Nothing too exciting happened that I can recall at the moment. I know that I took a break for a long while because I fell and hurt my wrist. The dr said there were no breaks but he thinks I may have torn some muscles. I could not type or do much of anything for a while. I still have pretty bad pain from it but have a bit more range of movement. I know that this last month was hard as well because I tried to reconcile with my parents and it was not successful. It was really hard thanksgiving not being there with them. I know this is the new normal for me but it is really hard some days. I do not want this to seem like a rant. I just know that November and December are really hard months for me. I do not see me being able to have any kind of relationship with my parents anymore. 

My Middle came out to me and I am very proud of her. The problem is my sister who is 12 decided to go and tell my parents instead of letting my middle decide if she even wanted to tell them yet. It has been a source of major tension for the two of them. I am pretty upset that it had to happen that way but I am thinking that it is for the best. My parents are very against anything having to do with that subject/life. I would rather her not have to deal with the negative from them. Everyone else has been very accepting. I think that it is super awesome that she was fine with talking to me about it. I am trying my best to make sure that I have open lines of communication with them so they can always come to me with anything they feel they need to. I was too afraid of talking to my parents and still am about anything. 

So it has been a bit of a busy month. I suppose that has a lot to do with why I had not been on to update in a while. I am quite forgetful. Hope you all have a Magickal day <3

Heart Break

I am having a super rough day today. I feel very overwhelmed with life. Being the parent of special needs children with mental illness is very difficult most days but I had such a long time of calm. Until recently my son was so relaxed fun to be around had a wonderful sense of humor and laughed at all my silly jokes and would talk to me all the time and give me hugs....that has been replaced with a child that does not like to talk or be touched and is angry all the time. I know somewhere in there my sweetheart is there. I know that as he gets older he will change but this is from medication and the drs will not listen. I feel so lost and defeated today. It is just so difficult. I do not have the right words to express how I am feeling. I wish that I could help him.....It is beyond sad to lose my best friend. He is my first born my only son and I feel like I am losing the real him. I know that this can be hard to understand if you do not have a mentally ill child and I hope that you all will be understanding. I do not say these things about him to be mean or hateful. I am saying what my heart feels this pain is tremendous. It breaks my heart to see him lose himself to the illness. He does not want to be this way. 

Samhain

Samhain is my very favorite Sabbat. I enjoy decorating and I love to set up my ancestor altar. It is fun to pull out my decorations and put them up and put the things out that remind me of those gone too soon. Those who have left this life and that I miss dearly. I am also excited because my partner is now pagan and this will be his very first Samhain. I am happy to be able to share it with him. The littles like to also participate in the ancestor ritual.

So we have finally been able to get the oldest's meds filled after having to wait since Friday of last week. I am not even sure how he is going to be on them. I am a bit worried because he has never been on one kind of meds well since he was seven. I am hoping that it works out for him. I am hoping also to get him back to school on Thursday. This special needs journey has lots of mountains and winding roads but we seem to get out pretty good on the other side more often than not. It has been a very emotional two weeks for me. I hope that things will settle down soon. I will be looking into homeschooling alternatives in case we have any more issues. I hope that it does not come to that because he really likes to be with his friends. 

 I am going to keep it short today as I am cooking dinner at the moment and need to clean up the kitchen but wanted to check in. 

The winding road called life

So I know that I have been quiet but we had our first hospitalization for my oldest. He had an incident at school and it was very traumatizing for me. I have horrible anxiety and was shaking for three days. He raised a fist to a teacher and reared back like he was going to hit her. The school called the police and me and it was a huge ordeal. I pretty much had no other choice in the matter. I have been mostly trying to recover from that and him being gone for a week in a behavioral hospital two and a half hours from home. I mean I am thankful that they accepted him as this was the only option I really had. I am now keeping him home tomorrow as I have not gotten his meds straightened out yet. So much stress lately has made me just want to lay in the bed and hide under my blanket. I know that is not something I can do. But I sure would like to. This whole adult thing is so not what it was cracked up to be. 

So now we are working on getting everything back to our "normal". I am still working on our minimizing our junk. It is a very long process so far. I can see the differences in some parts of the house and not in others. I know that it is supposed to help but sometimes I wonder what I got myself into. I think so far the biggest issue is clothes. When you have five people in the house plus blankets and such for the ferrets it builds up quickly. 

I finally was able to get my second reborn. Her name is Serenity Moon. She is the cutest lil thing. I am grateful to have both of them. They have helped so much with my anxiety. I was unsure of how it would be when I got them but they are so worth it. It gives me something to look forward to every morning getting them dressed up and taking pictures for the groups I am in. It is fun and helps me to relax. I would recommend them to anyone that was looking into it or that is just not too sure about them. I think they are wonderful. Plus it is fun to do stuff with my two girls and their babies. They like to dress them up and to make them do poses and such to post in groups as well. I did have my first negative response to them the other day. It really did not bother me. I laughed because just before I told her the babies were mine she was saying she wanted a reborn.