Holiday blues

It has been quite a time. I have really regressed with coming out of the fog of my depression. I have had a rough time. We recently lost one of our furkids and it was very hard on me. I have been with him since the day he was born and it was really hard. It broke the kid's hearts. I do not care for the holidays as much as I used to. I have had a hard time with not being with my parents this year. I know it is for the best. That still does not make it any easier. I do not want to subject my middle to the ugly that would be put out towards her for her coming out. As her mom, it is my job to protect her from that kind of thing even if it is family. 

Beyond that, I have just been going through the motions every day. I lost a huge part of my social circle yesterday. I have two friends here that i see in person but the rest are online. I rubbed one of them the wrong way unintentionally and she completely removed me from a community that I worked hard to contribute to and to be a part of as a friend. I trusted her and thought of her as a close friend. But she has proven to not be any of that. It saddens me that people can not even have a conversation with an adult there are only butthurt temper tantrums. So now I am working to create my own community of trusted people. I do not understand why when someone knows that you are going through a very difficult rough patch that you warned them about they think it is ok to just shit on you. No matter what if you are a true friend when you know someone is spiraling downhill you should be there even if it is to say hello and nothing else. I have withdrawn from many conversations and made it clear I was having a hard time. I feel like a facebook group is not the be all to end all in my life. I have three kiddos and a household to run. Facebook is second to my life. I can not forgo my responsibilities to be on there posting and all that. This woman spends her time trying to force those who helped to keep her group interesting to post what she wanted when she wanted and made it like a job that you are obligated to post when she says. When I joined the admin team I was all about it and it gave me something to do to pass the time during the day around my chores and such. I had a lot of ideas for activities and events. But I did not want to be obligated to do these things on my own they were just suggestions. I had suggested a Yule card exchange but was unable to send mine out due to two vet visits and all that and explained so. Well, as a result, she was very angry with me and said that I failed to keep up my end of the deal. 

This has turned into a rant and I did not want that. I am going to end here and go smudge myself and let go of this. 

Well then

So I apparently decided to skip blogging the entire month of November. Nothing too exciting happened that I can recall at the moment. I know that I took a break for a long while because I fell and hurt my wrist. The dr said there were no breaks but he thinks I may have torn some muscles. I could not type or do much of anything for a while. I still have pretty bad pain from it but have a bit more range of movement. I know that this last month was hard as well because I tried to reconcile with my parents and it was not successful. It was really hard thanksgiving not being there with them. I know this is the new normal for me but it is really hard some days. I do not want this to seem like a rant. I just know that November and December are really hard months for me. I do not see me being able to have any kind of relationship with my parents anymore. 

My Middle came out to me and I am very proud of her. The problem is my sister who is 12 decided to go and tell my parents instead of letting my middle decide if she even wanted to tell them yet. It has been a source of major tension for the two of them. I am pretty upset that it had to happen that way but I am thinking that it is for the best. My parents are very against anything having to do with that subject/life. I would rather her not have to deal with the negative from them. Everyone else has been very accepting. I think that it is super awesome that she was fine with talking to me about it. I am trying my best to make sure that I have open lines of communication with them so they can always come to me with anything they feel they need to. I was too afraid of talking to my parents and still am about anything. 

So it has been a bit of a busy month. I suppose that has a lot to do with why I had not been on to update in a while. I am quite forgetful. Hope you all have a Magickal day <3

Heart Break

I am having a super rough day today. I feel very overwhelmed with life. Being the parent of special needs children with mental illness is very difficult most days but I had such a long time of calm. Until recently my son was so relaxed fun to be around had a wonderful sense of humor and laughed at all my silly jokes and would talk to me all the time and give me hugs....that has been replaced with a child that does not like to talk or be touched and is angry all the time. I know somewhere in there my sweetheart is there. I know that as he gets older he will change but this is from medication and the drs will not listen. I feel so lost and defeated today. It is just so difficult. I do not have the right words to express how I am feeling. I wish that I could help him.....It is beyond sad to lose my best friend. He is my first born my only son and I feel like I am losing the real him. I know that this can be hard to understand if you do not have a mentally ill child and I hope that you all will be understanding. I do not say these things about him to be mean or hateful. I am saying what my heart feels this pain is tremendous. It breaks my heart to see him lose himself to the illness. He does not want to be this way. 

Samhain

Samhain is my very favorite Sabbat. I enjoy decorating and I love to set up my ancestor altar. It is fun to pull out my decorations and put them up and put the things out that remind me of those gone too soon. Those who have left this life and that I miss dearly. I am also excited because my partner is now pagan and this will be his very first Samhain. I am happy to be able to share it with him. The littles like to also participate in the ancestor ritual.

So we have finally been able to get the oldest's meds filled after having to wait since Friday of last week. I am not even sure how he is going to be on them. I am a bit worried because he has never been on one kind of meds well since he was seven. I am hoping that it works out for him. I am hoping also to get him back to school on Thursday. This special needs journey has lots of mountains and winding roads but we seem to get out pretty good on the other side more often than not. It has been a very emotional two weeks for me. I hope that things will settle down soon. I will be looking into homeschooling alternatives in case we have any more issues. I hope that it does not come to that because he really likes to be with his friends. 

 I am going to keep it short today as I am cooking dinner at the moment and need to clean up the kitchen but wanted to check in. 

The winding road called life

So I know that I have been quiet but we had our first hospitalization for my oldest. He had an incident at school and it was very traumatizing for me. I have horrible anxiety and was shaking for three days. He raised a fist to a teacher and reared back like he was going to hit her. The school called the police and me and it was a huge ordeal. I pretty much had no other choice in the matter. I have been mostly trying to recover from that and him being gone for a week in a behavioral hospital two and a half hours from home. I mean I am thankful that they accepted him as this was the only option I really had. I am now keeping him home tomorrow as I have not gotten his meds straightened out yet. So much stress lately has made me just want to lay in the bed and hide under my blanket. I know that is not something I can do. But I sure would like to. This whole adult thing is so not what it was cracked up to be. 

So now we are working on getting everything back to our "normal". I am still working on our minimizing our junk. It is a very long process so far. I can see the differences in some parts of the house and not in others. I know that it is supposed to help but sometimes I wonder what I got myself into. I think so far the biggest issue is clothes. When you have five people in the house plus blankets and such for the ferrets it builds up quickly. 

I finally was able to get my second reborn. Her name is Serenity Moon. She is the cutest lil thing. I am grateful to have both of them. They have helped so much with my anxiety. I was unsure of how it would be when I got them but they are so worth it. It gives me something to look forward to every morning getting them dressed up and taking pictures for the groups I am in. It is fun and helps me to relax. I would recommend them to anyone that was looking into it or that is just not too sure about them. I think they are wonderful. Plus it is fun to do stuff with my two girls and their babies. They like to dress them up and to make them do poses and such to post in groups as well. I did have my first negative response to them the other day. It really did not bother me. I laughed because just before I told her the babies were mine she was saying she wanted a reborn.

New Things

Soooo, I have some new ideas for crafting that I am going to be working on. I am very excited to see it come to life. I have found that I have a passion for everything Reborn. I would like to start sewing and creating things for the babies. I think that my creative abilities will flow quite well with this new idea for me. I like to create and I think that it will not hurt my hands like most of the things that I have tried. 

Source unknown 

 We recently acquired two more ferrets. I think I may have mentioned that already but today I have them out for their play time and they are the most entertaining little creatures. They are also a blast to play with. I find it funny that I find entertainment in the littlest things. I suppose that is a good thing.

I have not had an anxiety attack since I received Phynix. I am really proud of myself on that. I really have enjoyed having her and am trying to not be so impatient waiting for her sister to get here. But she will not be here until next week. I keep checking tracking but they have not updated it since Saturday last week. She is the cutest little thing just looking at her makes me smile. 

Source: Paradise Gallery.com

The purging process is still ongoing. I am taking some things to donate today. I finally have the kid's rooms set up the way I want them. I worked in the oldest's yesterday. It is quite nice to get almost all of my house work done within the first couple of hours after the kids are gone off to school. I say couple hours because I am still working on purging. I am still working through things that have been stored or thrown in a bin and ignored. I went through my toy collection yesterday. I was able to part with a couple funkos that I really did not care for in the first place but I got them through a monthly subscription box. I think I am progressing well with letting go of things. I have to work on letting go of more coffee mugs. But I like them so much I do not want to. 

So to end this life gets rather busy and I forget to write but I try my best to keep it updated. I hope everyone has a wonderful week.

~Keep it Magickal~

A little more about me

So I thought that I would share more about myself and my family. I have a mini zoo of animals a lot of them are rescues that were only supposed to be here for a short time. We have yet to find homes for them. We have ferrets, a couple rats, a guinea pig, and a whole gang of dogs and cats. I have a soft heart for animals have my whole life. It gets me in trouble sometimes when people know that I do and drop off animals at my house. I love them all and take care of each one. 

I am currently learning about my mental and physical illnesses. I have been determined by years end to know what is going on with me. My health has declined and my mental health has not been much better. My anxiety can be overwhelming at times. I am seeking professional help. I see a counselor once a week. 

So speaking of anxiety I have recently purchased a reborn therapy doll. I am hooked. I love her! It does help a lot more than I thought she would. I thought it would be a fun hobby that I can do with my littles as they still love their babies. She is so cute and fun to dress up. I like to hold her as well as she is weighted. I think I also have some sensory issues as well I like weighted blankets and such they calm me.

I am a big nerd I love things like Dr. Who and Sherlock and for sure Supernatural. I like to roleplay through facebook groups. I think that everyone should have a creative outlet. I know that it for sure helps me. I am slowly developing my story telling skills. The kids seem to find it entertaining. But that is all for today do not want to go on and on.

~Keep it Magickal~

The Purge

So it has begun! I feel like I will never get to the end of it. I have been going through and purging all the extra crap that we have in the house and I have come to notice....we have way too much stuff. Entirely too much clothing and just stuff in general. It has not been too hard to get rid of things so far. But the thing I struggle with the most is my coffee mugs as they are my favorite but honestly how many does one person need? I am trying my best to get down to maybe four of them. I would need more than just one for company and in case the one I always use breaks.




This is from when I first started. I thought I would publish it even though I did not finish it. 

This Minimization thing.....

Alright, so let's talk clothes. They are my nightmare at this point. I am working on learning about capsule wardrobes. Which would be really easy and great for me and the significant other because we are adults. But the issue is the kids. I mean they are still growing and how in the world do you pare down shirts when they do not wear uniforms at school. This is my current conundrum. I have asked in a couple groups but I am not sure of the answers that I am getting. I have really put a dent in the junk we have that we do not need. I am not saving for later anything that is not useful and for that matter I have not saved anything that I can think of. I know that I have too many coffee mugs but they are my weakness. I have collected them for years and have way too many favorites. Once I have the house purged I will go back and do a second purge to get rid of the excess that I know we for sure do not need but could not part with at first. I feel like we are making head way. I am starting to see the progress that has been made. Normally I am worried because I can not tell when I have cleaned at least that is the way I feel. Now when I have done my daily chores I can tell that I have done them and things are starting to look nice and tidy. Which in turn helps me with my anxiety issues and depression. I do not like clutter and it sets off my anxiety. I worry about people coming into my house i do not let others in. I have to know a person for a while before I am ok with them coming to visit. I also have to know well in advance that they are coming in order to make everything look perfect. Now it is not perfect and looks lived in at this point but I am working on improving it. I think mid next month maybe the end of next month we should have everything the way I want it. My middle little is loving it because her room is staying nice and clean and looks tidy pretty much all the time. It also takes no time at all to clean up. With after school activities she has not had a whole lot of time for anything but homework. So chores are at the bottom of her list. 

Besides all this housework I have been working on broadening my knowledge of other religions or paths. Currently, I am learning about atheism/agnostic. I had never even heard of agnostic before now. Before I became pagan I suppose you could have classified my beliefs as agnostic. I questioned everything. It was really hard to wrap my mind around organized religion and churches. I mean I have gone to church since I was a small child. I have been baptized in the Morman church and then later in life at a Baptist church. I thought I found God in the Christian sense several times only to start questioning everything. I am having trouble with understanding Atheism. I can not seem to understand the concept of lack of believing in any kind of higher power. I am still learning so maybe later in my studies I will understand. I do get the idea that science can answer a lot of the questions with actual evidence to back it up where as religion has not a whole lot except a book or books to back up the stories and lore. I mean with paganism you can not deny nature. It is right there front and center right outside my door. Easy to see and understand. I think that is why I am so drawn to it. 

My partner has embraced his pagan path and the other day we did a ritual together. I am in a group on Facebook that is helping quite a bit to open up my mind to others views on things. I know that it helped him quite a bit and also was the reason for the ritual. We also do a weekly healing and I have been learning about that as well. I had not worked any kind of magic or rituals since starting down my path and now weekly I am. I have been told several times the only thing holding us back when learning about magic is ourselves. 

Minimization Lifestyle

Well, we have taken a step into a new lifestyle. I have horrible anxiety, one of the triggers for me is clutter and an unorganized home. I have started to research how to minimize the things we have in our home. I think that people are more important than things. I feel that we have way too much junk. I do not need to collect things. I have been working on purging this last week. So far I feel we are doing pretty good. I have taken a load to the mission house here. I have hauled a load to a friend and given a few other things that I do not need and that another friend could use. It can sometimes be a little hard to let go of things. Sometimes things carry a sentimental value to us and I want to learn how to let that go. I gave almost all of my books away. I have a Kindle with a majority of what I gave away on there. So I figure why keep the books if I have them digitally. I kept my most favorite ones. I have even talked the kids into the lifestyle they are willing to give up a lot of the things they have been holding on to and not using. It is a huge step forward for us I feel that we will thrive well.

I also have some wonderful news to share. My fiance has decided to walk a pagan path. It has been awesome to be able to talk to him about it all and he actually listens to it. Before it was more of half listening and not really caring. I feel this will also be a huge step for us as well. I am excited to see where we will be going. I want to improve our lives and I feel these new changes will put us well on our way. I am going to be also working on my weight issues. I have a few illnesses that are aggravated by me being overweight. So I am going to have to pull myself up by the boot straps and get my rear in gear. I will work on keeping this updated with my progress. 

I also wanted to say that I am praying and sending positive healing to everyone in Texas that has been affected by the storms and flooding. My heart goes out to all of you. 

Crafting

I used to be an avid Crocheter. It was my hobby and I loved it more than anything. It helped me to deal with not being able to work anymore and helped to pass the time. I know that I could still try to crochet but it hurts so terribly. I lose the use of my hands for days after i work on a project and being a full time mom I can not have that go on. I really tried to push through and keep going but it has come to the point where I have accepted defeat. I am going to be looking into a hobby that I can do that is not so hard on my hands. I like to sew so I am going to be learning more about that and how to make all kinds of things. I like to craft. It helps with my depression as well and if I can craft something useful I like it even better.

Summer is winding down so quickly and I am so not prepared. I know it is happening if I am ready or not. To wrap my head around my oldest little being in high school. I can not believe it. It is a hard thing to realize.

Besides all that I have had another issue with the kids bio dad. He is unreliable as usual and I can no longer allow the littles to go see him. I am not sure of the activity going on over there either. The girls said they did not want to go over there any more. Of course the oldest little wants to still see him. I am not too sure what tell him at this point on that matter. I wish I could make it better for him but there is no changing his dad.

Well i am going to end on that note.

Band mom

Oh the joys of figuring out how to get all the things that school requires and still pay bills and buy food for the next two weeks. Sometimes it takes some creative meal planning to stretch food as far as I can. It is not always fun nor is it anything I would want to do all the time. I know that my middle little had better like band a whole lot! I am really glad to be supporting her through this endeavor. I did not know if anyone else would take up my love of band and playing an instrument. I had hoped one of them would. So far at the moment I feel like driving everyone where they need to go is my full time job. It is not fun waking up at three thirty in the morning. I know I would not make it if it weren't for monsters and coffee I would be a zombie. When school starts I know that it will be just as busy with football games, homework and whatever after school activity that the other littles will be taking part in.

I have not done a whole lot of spell crafting or much of anything except to decorate here and there for Lammas. I pulled out the pumpkins and hung up my harvest signs. I know that I have a nice dinner that I need to cook tomorrow but I am not sure I will have the energy to even do it. I am learning how to balance life and housework with driving all the time and appointments and diagnosis. I have a few health issues that I am hoping to have answers for soon. I go back to an important appointment soon I hope they can explain what is going on with me besides just saying lose weight. I know that much.

I have rambled on enough about all of this stuff so I will end it here. ~Keep it Magickal~

Lammas

Going on with my daily posts I realized next week is a sabbat. I have been so busy and not paying attention. I now hope to have everything together for a meal. I also need to set up my Lammas altar. I have been gathering little things here and there to represent the sabbats. A lot of the things that I have picked up were at thrift stores or dollar tree. I love the ceramic pumpkins that I was able to find. 

I am working on learning more and sharing the things that I learn with others as well. I am also working on adjusting my schedule. Waking up at 3:30 a.m. is rough. But I know that I will get used to it eventually. Lots of coffee and I should be just fine. This morning my little stayed home sleeping, funny how normally her loud energetic antics in the morning drive me crazy. But this morning without her there my ride back home was quiet and boring. Normally I like quiet and boring but I had to stay up late and go get food for today. One of the joys of summer time never enough food. School is happening so fast I can not believe the summer is almost over again. It seems the older the kids get the faster that is seems to go by. Before I know it they will be gone and I will be looking around saying where did all that time go.

I have to go see my counselor today. I am not looking forward to it. I never am. I am curious to see how things will work now that I am no longer going for my littles. They were discharged from the program having completed it. I have been going on the intention at least on my part to work through all my issues from the past. Well, all that has been going on so far is going in telling how the kids are behaving. I did not realize that was all I was there for. I was under the impression it was to work through the traumas I have been through. But that is a whole different subject for another day.

I wonder if we are ever able to let go of the things we have been through. I have the hardest time letting go of past abuse. I just can not seem to figure out how to work past all of it. I hope one day to be able to figure that out. I am going to stop here as I have now gotten onto a whole different subject. 

Back to School

It is crazy how time flies. It is about to be another school year. My middle started band practice today. I remember going to the very same band room for practice and the excitement and the scary parts. It was all new to me and I was absolutely in love with it. I had always wanted to participate in a school activity but was unable to until my mom moved away. She was not for it. My dad did not care as long as I was out of his way.

I am so proud of her for deciding to stick with it. We will see what the other two littles will get into starting this year the youngest wants to be a cheerleader. I hope she sticks with it as well.

It has been chaos here getting ready for school to start. School shopping finding out how things in high school works and all that goes with a new school year.

Loss and Mourning

Today a celebrity took his own life. Normally it would just be a passing oh that is a shame and on with my life I would go. Today an artist that was a part of the worst times of my life has passed. Chester Bennington took his own life. I am deeply saddened by the loss. He was one of my favorite singers since my teens. He and his bandmates are my son's favorite band. He has loved them his entire life. 

(Not my photo)

To know that someone that has an abundance in his life of people that loved and cared for him yet he still felt alone enough to end his life. To know that he did not feel that there was any other choice but to end his life is I think what is bothering me more than anything. Mental illness, depression runs deeply in my life and families life. It is a scary thing to live with and to know that people that you love more than anything can feel this pain. There are not enough words that I know to express my sadness for this loss and the need to remind others of suicide awareness. Please if you are feeling this way talk to someone, anyone.  

Pagan Mom Life

Being a Pagan parent to kids who do not follow the path can be very interesting. I respect the fact they have beliefs different than my own. It should always be that way in my opinion.

Recently my middle child had a friend over who had never been here before. Well before anyone new comes over I always put away my altar and books. I do not want to freak them out just yet. I had actually had to make a trip the ER and did not get that taken down before she arrived. I was not feeling my best and was just kind of here. When I realized that I had forgotten, I was worried she had seen it and quickly put it away well most of it. I always keep out my crystals.

The rest of the time the company was here I just waited for the bottom to fall out. Thankfully it did not and all is well at least as far as I know it is. Some days being in the broom closet can be difficult. But for the most part, I like it that way due to the fact that I do not have to answer any silly questions or deal with the drama that comes with being out in the open in the south. That my dears are a whole nother blog post if you ask me. 

Living with the anxiety and the depression I experience and now the new diagnosis of Inflammatory Arthritis is a challenge enough. I do not want to deal with the everyday ignorance of people who do not embrace others differences of opinion or lifestyle. The older I get the less I care about others opinions. I keep things to myself mostly just to make it easier on my littles. They deserve a fair chance of people getting to know them without thinking of what I am or what I do first. Though in this small town mentality it is quite difficult for people to be open about anything. Soon we will be shopping for school clothes and supplies and school life will begin again. I will be shuttling my middle little to and from band practice and life will carry on. I wonder how many of their friends will think I am the strange mom. The thought of it makes me chuckle as I drink my coffee this morning. 

I did receive some good news yesterday that I would like to share. A very dear friend of mine has decided to come back to paganism after a time away. I am looking forward to working with him in the future and a couple of others as well. I have only been a solitary for many years. My best friend and I have done some workings together but it is not often. Working in a group will be interesting. I just hope that my social anxiety does not get the better of me. On that note, I will end this. Have a Magickal Day.....I know I will

Learning Who I am

It has been a very long time since I have been here. As a matter of fact I had forgotten that I even started this.

Alright, a lot has changed in my life. I will not go into all that. I am learning about my roots. I am working on a family tree and it is something else. I have found 125 people in my family and extended family. I sadly learned that my grandmother passed away much later in my life than I was told by my mother. I am very saddened to learn I may have possibly been able to reach out to her. I would have loved to have found out things from her about my mother growing up.

I am still on the pagan path. I am still in the broom closet and will continue to be until my last little is eighteen years old and can handle others. It is a very busy time with two teenagers and now this year they will all be in a different school it I am sure will prove to be quite interesting to have a high school student.

I am going to work on trying to remember this is here so I can use it as an outlet to my creativity. I am learning that I like to write. I am not very good at it yet but I think if I continue to work on it I will improve. Until next time...Keep it Magickal